Does it seem crowded in here?

A friend who has another friend (as if I'm not enough) who has recently had a baby held her phone out to me saying "do you want to see her baby after birth?"*. This is my problem with new parents, they take photos of everything.

Currently pregnancy seems to be everywhere. If people aren't actually pregnant, they are tying to get pregnant, or indeed have just given birth. It's like living in a country populated by inverted Pez dispensers. Even this woman, whom fate had seemingly decided was unfit to contribute to the gene pool, has now given birth. Let us applaud loudly enough to drown out the groaning of the bulging walls of our nearest adoption agency.

Actually, I will admit that's probably a little unfair. Well done her [pat, pat]. I'm deeply impressed that she kept trying after 18 miscarriages. My heart goes out to her husband though as any hope he has of getting a Playstaion 3 for his birthday are very slim since she's obviously rubbish at taking hints.

The problem with new parents is that you can feel that you have lost the friend that you had before they became a parent. Certainly you do initially. Out go the drinking sessions. Out go the boys'/girls' nights. Most upsettingly, out go converstaions about anything...other...than...babies. This is the hardest thing for new parents to understand, their baby occupies every moment of their lives, and it's very very hard for them to understand how anyone can not be as excited (or indeed as interested) as they are. To them it is a cutely gurgling bundle of joy, but to others it is an androgynous, screaming, leaking bundle of smells. They only think it's wonderful because they made it, it is their bundle. People tell me "oh, your ideas will change when you have children of your own", but is that really the sensible way to find out? Do they also recommend people hop into a car and speed off down the motorway on the off-chance they  turn out to be good drivers?

Besides, I can't make one alone unless I fashion it from wax. And that would look ridiculous.

Experience has taught me something though, and that is that the novelty does wear off. The first one is treated like it is Jesus Christ himself (only not fictional), the second with slightly less enthusiasm and so on and so on until eventually feral children are seen scurrying about the streets like rats hunting for scraps. At which point we summon the Pied Piper of Social Services.

Not that this will happen with you. If you haven't already, when you have children it will be amazing. You will of course have performed a miracle and awed congratulations will be bestowed upon you as appropriate. Just don't ask me to babysit because I take things far too literally.




*You will no doubt be almost as pleased as I was to learn that the photo was actually of the baby shortly after it was born. Which is just as well, because I doubt her mobile phone insurance covered vomit damage. Although how you damage vomit is anyone's guess.