Strange things are happening at Masterchef Towers. For a start, why is it being filmed in an aircraft hanger? Does Greg Wallace make that much mess whilst splashing about in trifle? Secondly, who watched ‘The X Factor’ and decided that the same auditioning formula would work when grafted onto a cookery show? Did they think viewers would have tears in their collective eye if a prospective contestant blubbed their way through telling John Torode and Greg Wallace that their quiche was dedicated to their dead Gran who always supported them and, more importantly, made them realise the importance of frying off the bacon first? As it happens, yes.
The new concept is actually brilliant in its silliness and I’m sad that the audition process has finished. Hopeful chefs would scurry into the main hall (where John and Greg sat waiting on their respective thrones) clutching half cooked food, and then have twenty minutes to finish it off whilst trying to avoid the shocked/appalled/disgusted/concerned/dribbly faces the presenters kept pulling. Once their time was up, the Masterchef Gods descend from Mount Olympus to pass judgement. If successful the hopeful is handed a Masterchef apron and told that they are allowed to enter round one. Round one! They haven’t even started yet and they have been made to prostrate themselves before the plump faced foodies. Trailers for the next episode (the first stage) have been shown and it looks like the silliness is going to get even more over the top. Primarily because it’s been filmed in such a huge studio that in order to get the aerial shots the cameraman may as well have been on the moon.
My favourite hopeful thus far was an ex-army fellow who served some hard-boiled quail eggs on a mushroom pastry thing. So far so standard, however his stroke of genius was serving it with (literally) a pint of hollandaise sauce. It was ridiculous, he just kept ladling the stuff on until the bowl was full of it and the eggs looked like tiny fat men on a life-raft, adrift in an ocean of custard. Needless to say he didn’t get through to the next round. Greg “quite liked ‘is flavours” but John Torode dismissed this, amusingly pointing out that Greg simply “likes soft food”. The juxtaposition of these two is amazing, with John Torode saying things like “complex flavours, well balanced seasoning, delicious” and Greg saying “it’s too fucking small, fuck off”.
One programme to take the cookery show format and turn it into something properly fun is ‘Come Dine with Me’, although admittedly that is starting to get a little stale. Same old contestants; same sarky voiceover; same squabbles; same same. It is a brilliant ‘same’ of course even if the formula is getting so obvious it lazily slaps you in the face every time you watch it. Entertaining though he is, I’m not sure that even the great Dave Lamb could save a cookery show I happened across the other day, since it was so deathly dull I fell asleep. Twice. It was called ‘Daily Cooks Challenge’ and was presented by Wozza Thompson. It featured Peter Purvis as the (ahem) ‘star’ guest and two bored looking chefs as the challenged cooks. I say ‘challenge’, but it’s hardly ‘The Krypton Factor’. All the programme involves is the chefs each cooking something and the guest saying which one he likes best. That’s it. In this episode they each cooked a piece of meat and we learned that Purvis’ favourite was the less well-done bit. Wozza then showed him how to make a terrine, which I imagine he proceeded to squish into his ears while Purvis droned on about dogs. I can’t say for certain, I was asleep.
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Wednesday 2 February 2011
Just (for the) Love (of God, please) Stop
What is your opinion of JLS? Or to give them their full name, ‘Jack the Lad Swing’. No, really, that’s what they are called. When they were naming the group they whittled it down to two names, this one and ‘Coins Under Nigel’s Tan Sofa’, and the small one was out voted on that one. Partly because the hairless teenypops that form their core fanbase don’t care where Nigel’s coins are (nor do they care about the colour of his sofa), and partly because, whilst accurate, the acronym would have proved controversial. Small One from JLS was upset that his suggestion was discarded but took solace in the knowledge that his backflip was more convincing than Tall One’s; Not-quite-so-tall One’s and Not-quite-so-small One’s combined. In fact, Not-quite-so-small One from JLS’s backflip is really quite laughable.
It’s Small One from JLS that prompts these words to appear in front of you. You see, it appears that despite being able to do a good backflip, someone doesn’t like him as much as…someone who likes him. I can’t think of anyone off hand, but they are possibly somewhere. We know they are possibly out there because of the huge success that JLS are possibly having, evidenced by the massive range of JLS branded merchandise that people are possibly buying – such as the selection of JLS condoms that people are possibly sliding onto their embarrased genitals. These of course are available in large; not quite so large; not quite small and small sizes.
So how do we know that someone doesn’t like Small One from JLS? Well last evening I was walking (sadly a Jack the Lad Swing still eludes me) home and I saw a number of small packets littering the pavement. These weren’t just any packets though, these were JLS’s ‘Just Love Safe’ condoms, each emblazoned with a small image of Small One from JLS’s small face. Who would do this? What has Small One from JLS done to deserve ritual prophylactic scattering? We can only assume that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber was going about his business opening musicals when he heard the JLS classic ‘The Club is Alive’ and was enraged that it sounded a bit like a song from ‘Phantom of the Opera’. Naturally his only recourse was to immediately purchase some JLS branded willy raincoats bearing the cheery visage not of Tall One from JLS; nor of Not-quite-so-tall One from JLS, but of Small One from JLS and immediately throw them on the ground! Yes, that would show them. Stamping on Small One from JLS’s small foil face he shouted their alternative bandname at the top of his voice, ignoring the small splats of spermicide that were appearing on his loafers.
It should probably be noted that Not-quite-so-small One from JLS was always going to escape Sir Webber’s wrath. You see, due to the quality of his backflip he is his least favourite One from JLS. In fact it is said that he dislikes him so much he offered him a role in ‘Love Never Dies’. Now there’s evil.
But why would Small One from JLS be the sole focus of his anger? Maybe it is because he is the true brains of the JLS operation and Sir Andrew is secretly envious of the power he wields not only over the two (sorry, three) other sizes of One from JLS, but over the world of pop – indeed, art – in general. We all know that Small One from JLS straddles the musical landscape like Mecha-backflippy-Godzilla. Perhaps Sir Lloyd simply snapped? We can never know for certain, we can only guess. And I am not given to conjecture.
It’s Small One from JLS that prompts these words to appear in front of you. You see, it appears that despite being able to do a good backflip, someone doesn’t like him as much as…someone who likes him. I can’t think of anyone off hand, but they are possibly somewhere. We know they are possibly out there because of the huge success that JLS are possibly having, evidenced by the massive range of JLS branded merchandise that people are possibly buying – such as the selection of JLS condoms that people are possibly sliding onto their embarrased genitals. These of course are available in large; not quite so large; not quite small and small sizes.
So how do we know that someone doesn’t like Small One from JLS? Well last evening I was walking (sadly a Jack the Lad Swing still eludes me) home and I saw a number of small packets littering the pavement. These weren’t just any packets though, these were JLS’s ‘Just Love Safe’ condoms, each emblazoned with a small image of Small One from JLS’s small face. Who would do this? What has Small One from JLS done to deserve ritual prophylactic scattering? We can only assume that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber was going about his business opening musicals when he heard the JLS classic ‘The Club is Alive’ and was enraged that it sounded a bit like a song from ‘Phantom of the Opera’. Naturally his only recourse was to immediately purchase some JLS branded willy raincoats bearing the cheery visage not of Tall One from JLS; nor of Not-quite-so-tall One from JLS, but of Small One from JLS and immediately throw them on the ground! Yes, that would show them. Stamping on Small One from JLS’s small foil face he shouted their alternative bandname at the top of his voice, ignoring the small splats of spermicide that were appearing on his loafers.
It should probably be noted that Not-quite-so-small One from JLS was always going to escape Sir Webber’s wrath. You see, due to the quality of his backflip he is his least favourite One from JLS. In fact it is said that he dislikes him so much he offered him a role in ‘Love Never Dies’. Now there’s evil.
But why would Small One from JLS be the sole focus of his anger? Maybe it is because he is the true brains of the JLS operation and Sir Andrew is secretly envious of the power he wields not only over the two (sorry, three) other sizes of One from JLS, but over the world of pop – indeed, art – in general. We all know that Small One from JLS straddles the musical landscape like Mecha-backflippy-Godzilla. Perhaps Sir Lloyd simply snapped? We can never know for certain, we can only guess. And I am not given to conjecture.
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