Bunch of cooks

Strange things are happening at Masterchef Towers. For a start, why is it being filmed in an aircraft hanger? Does Greg Wallace make that much mess whilst splashing about in trifle? Secondly, who watched ‘The X Factor’ and decided that the same auditioning formula would work when grafted onto a cookery show? Did they think viewers would have tears in their collective eye if a prospective contestant blubbed their way through telling John Torode and Greg Wallace that their quiche was dedicated to their dead Gran who always supported them and, more importantly, made them realise the importance of frying off the bacon first? As it happens, yes.

The new concept is actually brilliant in its silliness and I’m sad that the audition process has finished. Hopeful chefs would scurry into the main hall (where John and Greg sat waiting on their respective thrones) clutching half cooked food, and then have twenty minutes to finish it off whilst trying to avoid the shocked/appalled/disgusted/concerned/dribbly faces the presenters kept pulling. Once their time was up, the Masterchef Gods descend from Mount Olympus to pass judgement. If successful the hopeful is handed a Masterchef apron and told that they are allowed to enter round one. Round one! They haven’t even started yet and they have been made to prostrate themselves before the plump faced foodies. Trailers for the next episode (the first stage) have been shown and it looks like the silliness is going to get even more over the top. Primarily because it’s been filmed in such a huge studio that in order to get the aerial shots the cameraman may as well have been on the moon.

My favourite hopeful thus far was an ex-army fellow who served some hard-boiled quail eggs on a mushroom pastry thing. So far so standard, however his stroke of genius was serving it with (literally) a pint of hollandaise sauce. It was ridiculous, he just kept ladling the stuff on until the bowl was full of it and the eggs looked like tiny fat men on a life-raft, adrift in an ocean of custard. Needless to say he didn’t get through to the next round. Greg “quite liked ‘is flavours” but John Torode dismissed this, amusingly pointing out that Greg simply “likes soft food”. The juxtaposition of these two is amazing, with John Torode saying things like “complex flavours, well balanced seasoning, delicious” and Greg saying “it’s too fucking small, fuck off”.

One programme to take the cookery show format and turn it into something properly fun is ‘Come Dine with Me’, although admittedly that is starting to get a little stale. Same old contestants; same sarky voiceover; same squabbles; same same. It is a brilliant ‘same’ of course even if the formula is getting so obvious it lazily slaps you in the face every time you watch it. Entertaining though he is, I’m not sure that even the great Dave Lamb could save a cookery show I happened across the other day, since it was so deathly dull I fell asleep. Twice. It was called ‘Daily Cooks Challenge’ and was presented by Wozza Thompson. It featured Peter Purvis as the (ahem) ‘star’ guest and two bored looking chefs as the challenged cooks. I say ‘challenge’, but it’s hardly ‘The Krypton Factor’. All the programme involves is the chefs each cooking something and the guest saying which one he likes best. That’s it. In this episode they each cooked a piece of meat and we learned that Purvis’ favourite was the less well-done bit. Wozza then showed him how to make a terrine, which I imagine he proceeded to squish into his ears while Purvis droned on about dogs. I can’t say for certain, I was asleep.