Just (for the) Love (of God, please) Stop

What is your opinion of JLS? Or to give them their full name, ‘Jack the Lad Swing’. No, really, that’s what they are called. When they were naming the group they whittled it down to two names, this one and ‘Coins Under Nigel’s Tan Sofa’, and the small one was out voted on that one. Partly because the hairless teenypops that form their core fanbase don’t care where Nigel’s coins are (nor do they care about the colour of his sofa), and partly because, whilst accurate, the acronym would have proved controversial. Small One from JLS was upset that his suggestion was discarded but took solace in the knowledge that his backflip was more convincing than Tall One’s; Not-quite-so-tall One’s and Not-quite-so-small One’s combined. In fact, Not-quite-so-small One from JLS’s backflip is really quite laughable.

It’s Small One from JLS that prompts these words to appear in front of you. You see, it appears that despite being able to do a good backflip, someone doesn’t like him as much as…someone who likes him. I can’t think of anyone off hand, but they are possibly somewhere. We know they are possibly out there because of the huge success that JLS are possibly having, evidenced by the massive range of JLS branded merchandise that people are possibly buying – such as the selection of JLS condoms that people are possibly sliding onto their embarrased genitals. These of course are available in large; not quite so large; not quite small and small sizes.

So how do we know that someone doesn’t like Small One from JLS? Well last evening I was walking (sadly a Jack the Lad Swing still eludes me) home and I saw a number of small packets littering the pavement. These weren’t just any packets though, these were JLS’s ‘Just Love Safe’ condoms, each emblazoned with a small image of Small One from JLS’s small face. Who would do this? What has Small One from JLS done to deserve ritual prophylactic scattering? We can only assume that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber was going about his business opening musicals when he heard the JLS classic ‘The Club is Alive’ and was enraged that it sounded a bit like a song from ‘Phantom of the Opera’. Naturally his only recourse was to immediately purchase some JLS branded willy raincoats bearing the cheery visage not of Tall One from JLS; nor of Not-quite-so-tall One from JLS, but of Small One from JLS and immediately throw them on the ground! Yes, that would show them. Stamping on Small One from JLS’s small foil face he shouted their alternative bandname at the top of his voice, ignoring the small splats of spermicide that were appearing on his loafers.

It should probably be noted that Not-quite-so-small One from JLS was always going to escape Sir Webber’s wrath. You see, due to the quality of his backflip he is his least favourite One from JLS. In fact it is said that he dislikes him so much he offered him a role in ‘Love Never Dies’. Now there’s evil.

But why would Small One from JLS be the sole focus of his anger? Maybe it is because he is the true brains of the JLS operation and Sir Andrew is secretly envious of the power he wields not only over the two (sorry, three) other sizes of One from JLS, but over the world of pop – indeed, art – in general. We all know that Small One from JLS straddles the musical landscape like Mecha-backflippy-Godzilla. Perhaps Sir Lloyd simply snapped? We can never know for certain, we can only guess. And I am not given to conjecture.