Cuisine to die for

"She spiked lethal curry with Queen of poisons" wails The Sun (annoyingly the headline is different on the website than it was in the actual newspaper). Ah, a Black Widow story. One reported by The Sun too, a (literally) flashing icon of journalistic brilliance. A newspaper fit for Kings. Not Queens of course, they got no place here, not in our blokey, stubble-chinned, pint-swilling, tit-loving ol' mate The Sun. Fancy France for a pound? No? Ok, let's talk news.

So, woman has an affair. Man ends affair. Woman leaves poisoned curry in man's fridge. Man eats it with his girlfriend. Man dies, girlfriend ends up in coma. Girlfriend wakes up, calls The Sun. You would no-doubt do the same. But how come he died and she didn't? Because according to the report she didn't have second helpings. It seems that gluttony really is the number one killer in England after all.
"He had more than I did, he had it with three chapatis and I had it with two, then he had a second helping". He then complains of feeling ill (I'm not surprised, the fat fuck) so he went for a shower. Assuming that's not a euphemism, it's a curious thought process he had. "I'm not feeling well, perhaps if I wash my hair...".

The couple then started to go blind and lose control of their legs (pissheads), he ended up having to support himself. The penny now drops. That's why he is given such sympathetic treatment (don't forget, he was having an affair), The Sun is simply applauding him for not being on benefits.

Panicking, they call an ambulance and then his sister, who arrives ahead of the ambulance, piles them into her 'motor' (yes that's right, the most widely read newspaper in England refers to cars as 'motors', like the editor's Guy Ritchie) and takes them to the hospital. Presumably the ambulance then turned up, paramedics leap out and start scratching their heads at why an empty flat would need their help. The man dies, the girlfriend has a kip, and the killer is apprehended.

The murderess was found with the poison on her and despite her protestations of using the poison as a mosturiser when mixed with cow urine (I expect she was on her way to an appointment at Nivea), she was arrested. Confessions then poured out of her like moisturiser from a cow. It appears that she resented the affair ending due to all the sacrifices she made for it. One of which was offering to get a divorce. Offering! Now, really, are you sacrificing anything by offering to do something? Indeed are you even doing anything by offering? Think of the phrase 'do you want a hand?'. Has this ever been uttered and actually been followed up with an act of assistance? Rarely, and when it has the assistance has been accompanied by a pained expression and a sigh since the person offering never considered he'd actually need to do anything. If the divorce offer had been picked up the woman would have fallen over faster than the dead guy fell off his perch.

The poison she used was 'Wolfsbane' by the way (yes, the one you mix with cow piss to fill in your wrinkles). You may have heard of it, it looks a bit like a bluebell and isn't very good for you. Want to know more? The Sun is there with the important facts:
"[the plant is] often known in England as Wolfsbane and has featured in the Harry Potter books - used in a potion by Professor Snape, played by Alan Rickman" (there is an accompanying picture of Rickman as Snape).
Well that clears that up then. What The Sun doesn't tell you just isn't worth knowing.

The thing that I really struggle with in this story though, relates to the headline: "She spiked lethal curry with Queen of poisons". If the curry was lethal, why did she bother putting poison in it?