Goodbye Mr Chips. Mmm...chips.

Theatre Royal Drury Lane, 25/10/09, Teaching Awards 2009.

"Blimey it's hot in here. I realise that it's an old theatre and as such exotic things such as fans hadn't been invented yet, and as such were difficult to install, but neither had that Wembley sized lighting rig and noone seems to have minded. They are probably why I'm so hot. Or maybe it's because of the (slightly unnecessary) warm-up man. Perhaps there is a market-gap for a cool-down man. Someone who shuffles unenthusiastically on to the stage making a few uncomfortable jokes, causing the audience to swallow any potential chuckles and instead shift awkwardly in their seats buttoning up their coats. Actually, I think Jim Davidson's already got this covered.

The Teaching Awards Chief Executive has just come onstage and spoken about "150 winners with us here tonight". I momentarily feel the ceremony stretching out before me like a vast ocean of polite applause, before I realise they have already won and we will see ten of them. My palms breathe a sigh of relief.

We are asked to spend five minutes clapping, presumably so that it can be inserted into moments when jokes fall flat and they don't have to broadcast a thousand-strong stoney-faced audience sitting in eerie silence. We also film the end before the show starts. This means that we sit down, watch ivory plinking thimble Jamie Cullum 'sing us out' with something forgettable while Christine Bleakley dances around an invisible handbag and Jeremy Vine sways the uncomfortable dance of the designated driver at a wedding. They then say goodnight, tell us what fun we've had tonight and walk offstage, only to walk back on two minutes later to tell tell us what fun we're going to have. Jeremy tells us it will all make sense when we watch it on telly. The fact that we are not at home watching it live on telly but sat in the theatre with him, frowning and sweaty, appears to have eluded him.

Jeremy Vine's microphone isn't turned up as loud as Chrisine Bleakley's. Presumably how audible you are is directly proportional to the quality of your legs. She booms like an Irish Brian Blessed, he whispers like an ashmatic ninja.

Speaking of booming voices, Patrick Stewarts presenting an award later. I never really thought about the quality of his legs, I suppose it's always the quiet ones. Or rather, not.

Jamie Cullum presented 'SEN Teacher of the Year' and told us how passionate he is about music in schools. His new album's out on 29 October. You may not know that, but I do because Jamie C is very passionate about music in schools. It's called 'The Pursuit' by the way. Oh, and he recorded it in LA. It's his "usual mix of Jazz and Pop and all teh crazy stuff going around my [his] head". Oh, and he's a mop-headed pug that needs to be left in a car on a hot day. He didn't mention this but I read between the lines.

Thank you speeches are a curious thing. I wonder how many people would still say "this isn't really my award, this is for all my students and colleagues" if the awards host leaned over and plucked the trophy from their hands muttering "I'm terribly sorry, there must have been some mistake" whilst scribbling out their name."

Normal service, whatever that may be, will resume.