Tubular Bell-ends

Like the graceful rhinoceros that I am, I stumbled over something the other day. Specifically, this video of a church attempting to cure a teenager of being gay.

By exorcism.

Of course they deny that it was an exorcism. That would be ridiculous. No, this was a straightforward casting out of spirits. Presumably the spirits of a dead motorcycle cop; a dead Indian; a dead construction worker and a dead cowboy.

I have read about attempts to ‘cure’ gay people before, for instance Anthony Perkins' (actor who played ‘Psycho’s Norman Bates) biography referred to him visiting someone that specialised in curing/conning angst-ridden homosexuals.

Amazingly, it didn't work.

The standard way for morally bankrupt bigots (or 'Therapists') to solve the problem of people having the audacity to find their own gender attractive is (predicatably) aversion therapy, be it through electro-shock treatment or nausea-inducing drugs. So for instance, should a gay man successfully have this therapy, be standing at a urinal and find a man next to him waving an erection around like an Orange user trying to find mobile reception, the man would promptly be sick onto it and wend his merry way.

So why exorcism? Seriously guys, I know you are devoutly religious and therefore prone to thinking that anything you don’t like in a man (like another man’s penis for example) is down to Beelzebub’s unholy meddling and not due to something as ker-azy as nature, but is exorcism really the most logical way of dealing with it? Do you honestly think the act accomplishes ANYTHING?

“Your problem is solved, hooray!”
“Hooray! So how did you manage it?”
“Well I shouted for a while, waved my arms around a bit and here we are. Sorted. Bob’s your uncle”
“Don’t change the subject. Now how about a cuddle...”
“Begone Satan!”

Perhaps they just prefer traditional methods. Which makes me wonder how they dry their ducking stool, inside by the radiator or outside by the pyre?

Either way, my favourite part of the story is actually where they say the church had taken care of the boy, providing him with clothes. "He was dressing like a woman..." they said. Well if they provide him with dresses what do they expect?




NB: This is all irrelevant really, since it wasn’t an exorcism was it. It was a casting out of spirits. Which reminds me, are you hungry? Fancy a sandwich? Oh, sorry I’ve not got anything for making sandwiches. Would some ham and mustard between two slices of buttered bread be ok? Excellent.

Islamobile

The following is absolutely true:

I went into town at lunchtime and passed a Muslim-looking girl wearing a hijab (headscarf, white in this case) and talking on her mobile phone. The thing is, she wasn’t actually holding her phone. It was pressed against her head, being held in place by her taught headdress.

Brilliant I thought, she’s on her Hamas-free.

Our Father, Who Art on Holiday

Oh dear, it appears that the lord has washed his hands of us. At least, that's the impression being given by Dr Rowan Williams in his capacity as Doom-merchant of Canterbury. Speaking at York Minster he has declared that God "will not give a happy ending". Personally I didn't even know he gave massages, but then I haven't been to church in years. It could be virgin sweat and deep-fried camembert at communion for all I know.

"God's faithfulness stands, assuring us that even in the most appalling disaster love will not let us go - but it will not be a safety net". Splendid, so we will be going it alone with the earthquakes, floods and imminent return of 'Britain's Got Talent' but at least we'll get a sympathy card. A card which will remain on humanity's doormat as Williams also gave the good news that it will be "choked, drowned, or starved by its own stupidity." So the there the card will remain, our address carved into the paper with lightning, as our bloated forms lie stinking up our apartment, ingnored by all as the milk bottles pile up outside.

Notice how he doesn't include himself as part of the human race's dullards? "Look at you, you fat rhino-skinned sacks of crap. Look at you not praying. Well you're all fucked. I'm not, but you are. Well and truly."

"But Rowan, we pray too?"

"No you don't. If you did (which you don't) then you don't do it as hard as me. Which is irrelevant anyway, because you don't."

Miserable sod. It's not surprising he's so misanthropic, what else would you expect from the lovechild of Harold Shipman and Charles Manson? I blame the parents.

(I'm not really suggesting that the Archbishop of Canterbury is related to two of the most famous beardy killers of all time. In fact the very idea that he would have any involvement with an ideology that is responsible for large amounts of death, both historical and contemporary, is quite simply nonsense).