Tubular Bell-ends

Like the graceful rhinoceros that I am, I stumbled over something the other day. Specifically, this video of a church attempting to cure a teenager of being gay.

By exorcism.

Of course they deny that it was an exorcism. That would be ridiculous. No, this was a straightforward casting out of spirits. Presumably the spirits of a dead motorcycle cop; a dead Indian; a dead construction worker and a dead cowboy.

I have read about attempts to ‘cure’ gay people before, for instance Anthony Perkins' (actor who played ‘Psycho’s Norman Bates) biography referred to him visiting someone that specialised in curing/conning angst-ridden homosexuals.

Amazingly, it didn't work.

The standard way for morally bankrupt bigots (or 'Therapists') to solve the problem of people having the audacity to find their own gender attractive is (predicatably) aversion therapy, be it through electro-shock treatment or nausea-inducing drugs. So for instance, should a gay man successfully have this therapy, be standing at a urinal and find a man next to him waving an erection around like an Orange user trying to find mobile reception, the man would promptly be sick onto it and wend his merry way.

So why exorcism? Seriously guys, I know you are devoutly religious and therefore prone to thinking that anything you don’t like in a man (like another man’s penis for example) is down to Beelzebub’s unholy meddling and not due to something as ker-azy as nature, but is exorcism really the most logical way of dealing with it? Do you honestly think the act accomplishes ANYTHING?

“Your problem is solved, hooray!”
“Hooray! So how did you manage it?”
“Well I shouted for a while, waved my arms around a bit and here we are. Sorted. Bob’s your uncle”
“Don’t change the subject. Now how about a cuddle...”
“Begone Satan!”

Perhaps they just prefer traditional methods. Which makes me wonder how they dry their ducking stool, inside by the radiator or outside by the pyre?

Either way, my favourite part of the story is actually where they say the church had taken care of the boy, providing him with clothes. "He was dressing like a woman..." they said. Well if they provide him with dresses what do they expect?




NB: This is all irrelevant really, since it wasn’t an exorcism was it. It was a casting out of spirits. Which reminds me, are you hungry? Fancy a sandwich? Oh, sorry I’ve not got anything for making sandwiches. Would some ham and mustard between two slices of buttered bread be ok? Excellent.

Someone is Gay

It's taken a long time, but finally the star of 'Top Gun' has come out as being one of them gays that you've heard so much about, and it must be true for I read it here (careful now the article contains nudity, so by looking at it you risk corrupting your delicate mind with the knowledge that people have nice wobbly bits under their clothing). Isn't that exciting. No really, isn't that EXCITING! Someone's gay! Hooray for news!

They best part about this story is that now Top Gun is now even gayer than it was before. Which is an awful lot. Top Gun is so gay I was surprised not to find deleted scenes of bathroom towel fights in the dvd's special features, only removed because Tom Cruise's alien chums threatened to change the temple locks. Not that this made it any less homo-erotic, the director (Tony Scott, fact fans) can't let five minutes pass without having his stars give each other a nice sweaty cuddle, and I would be surprised if the phrase "you can be my wing-man any time" hasn't been etched above at least one glory-hole in the past 23 years.

Speaking of which, exactly who came up with the idea for glory-holes? Do they drill the hole themselves or is it already there, perfectly penis-sized. Was someone sat on the toilet one day and heard a voice from the neighbouring cubicle saying:
"Oi, mate, stick your willy through here"
"Why?"
"So it can go in my bottom"
"Cool!" [unzips trousers]
It's a very bold move to stick your winkie through a hole on the offchance that the person on the other side will want to do something with it. Assuming you get a good fit it must look like a fat pink slug embarking on a career as a gymnast. Why was there ever debate over gays in the military? I would gladly entrust the security of our country's borders to someone that is brave enough to entrust the safety of the stiff one-eye to a total stranger that may or may not cut it off with a sharpened toilet roll. Picture the interview:
"So, Mr Humphries, we've looked at the results of your entrance tests and I have to say, we're very concerned"
"Why?"
"You have no experience, you have no strength, you have no speed, you have no stamina, and worst of all...you're one of the gays"
"Is that all?"
"I could go on but frankly don't really see the benefit. Can you honestly tell me that you have a single quality the British military would benefit from?"
"I merrily post my penis through walls, unconcerned of the possibility that I may be left with nothing but a tattered flap of blood-soaked skin"
"Blimey. You're in".

Cow and Matey

I was at a friend’s house last night and in their bathroom was a bottle of shower gel with a farmyard motif, labeled ‘Daisy Fragranced’. Oh, and the lid was a rubber cow’s head. I can see what they’re going for, they have seen Jean Paul Gaultier’s ‘Le Male’ and thought they’d get in on the act. What has escaped them of course is that whilst people may wish to smell of man, they rarely wish to smell of cow.