Whack a Jacko Mole

Some rather good news today, assuming you are Michael Jackson, as it turns out that you don't have skin cancer. Well done you. Those decades spent reclusively running a waiver-riddled fairground have paid off and you're as healthy as a horse. An extra-terrestrial horse that appears to have more in common with a cranefly than a Grand National winner, but a healthy example of one nevertheless.

But this isn't a skin test that has come back negative, he didn't discover a concerning mole on his back in an area previously only occupied by his overstretched eyelids. No, this was a story that appeared in the true paragon of journalism that is 'The Sun' newspaper...and yet it turned out not to be true. How did this happen? They were told that doctors had found spots on his face, and they gleefully printed it, rubbing their greasy paws together and rehearsing their 'periodical of the year' acceptance speech. They are so far down the gossip road that they very idea of seeking facts are a distant memory. Ask a Sun editor about filling their front-page with something they didn't simply overhear whilst queueing in taxi-rank and they frown at you like your head is a Rubicks cube and they've been tasked with re-arranging it through the power of mental arithmetic.

I realise that previously gossip has been printed, vehemently denied and turned out to be true, but this is Michael Jackson's face we're talking about here. Yes he may look like the result of Salvador Dali paying homage to Picasso, but despite curiously re-positioned features his face has fewer blemishes than Nicole Kidman's buttocks. As far as growths are concerned, landscapes don't get more hostile. If his doctor found something on his cheek then the news would be that upon inspection it turned out to be a miniature face of Jesus, because divine intervention is the only way it could possibly happen.

So for Jackson good news about the news not being news, and therefore good news for the thousands of fans that are financing his 50 night squat who may have been worried the concerts would be cancelled and the £10,000 ticket-price they paid on ebay would end up being a slight waste of money. Also, any potential concerns that they may have about the King of Pop's ability to live up to his own legend (assuming he makes it onstage without a Rorschach test appearing on his face) can also be put to rest by the knowledge that he is "keeping up with dancers half his age". This is hardly surprising since people have said for years that he chases people much younger than that, so if he can summon the enthusiasm to chase someone half his age it should be easy as 1-2-3.