Fear This

Jane Moore is upset. Being a columnist for The Sun newspaper, it takes a lot to make her upset. Still reeling from the death of Jade Goody (whom she almost certainly never called a pig in previous columns), she has now had suffered the indignity of a security guard not laughing at the suggestion that she may be compelled to stab an MP in the face with a metal nail-file. Although she’ll try not to, and her word is her bond. Not only that, but she’s “a white woman”, and never has a white woman ever even considered posing a risk to anyone. Just ask the parents of the children Myra Hindley buried in the moors, or anyone that had tea with Rose West and later found themselves supporting her patio.

Clearly reeling from Jade’s death, she is still struggling to cope as she forgets herself for a moment, providing a quick recap and risking electrocution as her tears wash over her laptop, before pointing out that Jade’s mother is also having a terrible time. Having lost her daughter*, she is dealing with it in the only way she knows how: by telling staff at Gatwick airport that she has a gun in her bag. There’s nothing wrong with that of course, it’s completely acceptable to sane persons such as ourselves. Not for the airport staff though, oh deary me no. Those po-faced “Stasi-style drones” searched her bag. The outrage! The gall! Why are they so de-sensitised to something as hilarious as deranged hags with firearms, swinging one lifeless limb at your chest whilst the other presses twelve rounds of white-hot death to your temple? You couldn’t make it up. It’s political correctness gone mad. Thank god we have The Sun to keep things in perspective.

So heed their advice. Why can’t we all just get along? Nothing really matters does it, not terrorism, not stabbings and most definitely not racism. Let’s just ‘ave a laff. Vote for your Page 3 Idol. Go to France for a pound. Make yourself some toast while you’re having a bath. Nothing really matters. Most importantly, whatever you do, make sure you ignore the “left wing loones” [sic].



*I am aware that this remains a tragedy.