Pitchforks Across the Water

Ah acceptable racism. I saw President Obama being introduced to the Queen and Phil last night. The small talk was creaking along quite happily, the President was talking about the various dignitaries that he has met with, ending with…the Chinese. At this point a beaming Phillip leant forward and said “could you tell the difference between them?”. This reminded me of Del Boy’s recent appearance on radio. You see, Del Boy hates foreigners. Oh, and Obama thinks spastics (sorry, ‘Scope’) can’t bowl. Intrigued?

Being nice middle class white folks, we know when minorities are offended. We don’t need to ask them…I mean, if we did, it might turn out that they weren’t upset after all, and then we’d look foolish and we can’t have that. Far better therefore to point at a remark, tell them how annoyed they are but that they shouldn’t worry their little towel-wrapped heads about it because we’re already dialling Ofcom.

Case#1:

David Jason appears on Absolute radio and tells a ‘racist joke’, to much offence. The joke went thus:

“What do you call a Pakistani cloak-room attendant?”

“Me Hat Me Coat”

Awful isn’t it. Not because it’s racist (although we are on thin ice), but because it’s a terrible terrible joke. The kind of joke that’s so bad even Roy Walker wouldn’t have incorporated it into his if-it-ain’t-broke-don’t-fix-it ‘walk on, tell shit joke, introduce contestants, play Catchphrase, tell shit joke, go for curry with talking bulldog’ routine. He told it anyway though, causing much offence. How much? Well, this is hard to say since Absolute never received a single complaint. Christian O’Connell’s sphincter must have been more tense than guests at a Barrymore pool-party. After all, not only does he wake up every morning with a head shaped like a granite aubergine, but now he’s got national TV treasures telling jokes that would be beneath Bernard Manning (seven-feet under). Poor lamb. Luckily Del has apologised for all the upset caused to the thousands of people he didn’t offend, which is fortunate for O’Connell as unlike Russell Brand he doesn’t have a film career to fall back on. Things may have been different had he been due to star in a remake of ‘North by Northwest’ where George Clooney and Amy Smart escape Phillip Seymour Hoffman and his henchman by clambering across the DJ’s face. He’d have been out of the studio faster than Del could say ‘disappointing Christmas special’. But who decided he had caused upset? The producer, who will have heard the word ‘Pakistani’, fallen off her chair and phoned Del’s agent comparing him to Jim Davidson, when in fact the un-offended listeners were sat at home saying “that joke was rubbish, how long 'til ‘Just a Minute’?”.

Case#2:

This comes from the colonies. Recently elected President Obama took time out from walking on water to get his bottom kissed on Jay Leno’s chatshow, and joked that his performance in the White House bowling alley (no, I didn’t know either) was “like the special Olympics or something”. He too later apologised, though in this case he had actually upset some people. I imagine you couldn’t move on the White House lawn for wailing Ironsides, angry at the slur but pleased to get a day out. Poor President. He shouldn’t worry though, he may have had a peek into his predecessor’s world by being as popular as a bum-picking on a twiglett but it only lasted a nano-second and, much like a bum-picking on a twiglett, noone really noticed. Those that did seem to have slightly miss the point anyway, since special Olympians are really quite good at sport, thus Obama was actually being somewhat boastful.

How un-American.