A spoonful of lucre

And lo, there was another series of 'The Apprentice'*.

You may have thought the previous five series' had exhausted the entire UK supply of suited twerps, here come another 18 onanistic clichés strutting through the opening titles and into our houses, ready to fill our living rooms with their massive heads. It is truly startling that any one person can be as confident as one of the contestants/applicants, so it's amazing that 18 of them can all be found together. It's like Alan Sugar has discovered a twat well and happily draws a bucketful every year for our entertainment.

"There is nothing mediocre about me" shouted one participant with all the confidence of one who flatly denies his cocky shell is soon to fracture and expose the mediocre foetus within. Another of this year's group, Stuart 'The Brand' Baggs (yes, really), stated "whatever I touch turns to salt". I'm sorry? Everything he touches turns to salt? How old is he? Did he know Lot's wife before he fondled her? Whatever, in view of what we know about salt, how is this a positive boast anyway? "Aren't I great! Hooray for heart disease!" his face moons down the camera as he sits back in his chair beaming smugly at the viewing squillions, confident that he has won and that the ensuing weeks are merely a formality. He may as well have declared "everything I touch turns to trans fats".

In fact, upon reading a review of the episode today I discovered that he actually said "whatever I touch turns to sold" (because he's such a brilliant salesman, see?) but that doesn't even make sense. I can see the point he was trying to make of course. He was trying to say “I’m less of a bumfaced blurt than the others”, but in fact he is mistaken. He is simply one of a number of blurts. What’s the plural for ‘blurts’ anyway? A 'blather' I imagine. A blather of blurts.

Lord Alan of course has seen blathers such as this before. "You all look good on paper" he began, "but so does fish and chips". The assembled business urchins all laughed at his joke of course, hoping to distract him as they clambered over each other in an attempt to be the first to plant their tongue in his craggy bottom. He must hate seeing such sycophancy. Until he looks at his payslip that is, at which point he probably doesn't mind so much. If nothing else, it saves on toilet tissue.

This year the programme is populated by people who have been affected by the recession. Some ran their own businesses which subsequently collapsed, and some were made redundant. Some haven't even managed to get a job to lose in the first place. So essentially Lord Alan is taking the role of a very strict job centre clerk, making the unemployed jump through especially complex hoops in order to earn their state crumbs. But this won't phase them.

"If I can get someone to talk to me, I can sell them sausages" we heard. This skill must have been very useful in his previous occupation as a communications specialist. In fact I think BT are rolling out a fibre-optic-cables-for-sausages replacement programme in the new year.

"I know how to connect with them" he went on. Someone then walked within 'connecting' distance and he thrust a packet of sausages in their faces whilst yelling "SAUSAGES" in an elucidative manner. Selling is an artform, and this man has taken to it like a duck to sales.

Speaking of which, "they are out there selling" the male team captain was seen to shout. To illustrate his point the camera cut to his salesmen who were standing around scratching themselves and chatting. Probably discussing which of the lady contestants would be most likely to show their perineum for a Twix.

Dan Harris was the team captain in question and he found himself in the boardroom trying to justify his poor sausage hawking skills. Dan has completed three marathons, climbed Kilimanjaro and once held the world record for the fastest ascent and descent of Mount Kenya. He now holds the record for fastest exit from 'The Apprentice'*, a record he holds jointly with five other deflated egos.

So yes, lo there was another series of 'The Apprentice'*. And we saw that it was good.



*other forms of public humiliation are available