Check out this bust

There was a story in the tabloids a while ago about Craig Charles going on a CRAZED bender, buying DRUGS and having a PINT with some MATES. You can read about it here. The reason I am reminded of this is because as part of his crazeddrugfuelledwildnightbender, he asked his driver to buy him some PORN. Now, unfortunately this is the only link I could find, but I remember at the time the reporting was even more lurid, quoting him as saying "f*ck me I really need a w*nk". This was actually the embarrasing part of the story. Drink and drugs are fine, he's famous and it adds to rock and roll mystique he's cultivated whilst pretending to be a taxi driver in the only part of Manchester to still have cobbled streets and whose most ethnic resident is a slightly tanned David Essex. Buying porn though, is just a little bit embarassing. That's all I could think about when I read it, "oh no, poor chap, what would the boys from the Dwarf say?". Stories like that serve a positive purpose though, they remind us that famous people are the same as the rest of us. They may appear in Heat magazine, snapped boarding a bus in Mayfair (whereas the rest of us have to snap ourselves if we want a record of it), but they are just us with a more recognisable face. How do we know this? Because people like Craig Charles helpfully remind us that even famous people get drunk, go home and masturbate alone over a woman with staples through her tits.

You may ask why I am talking about a news item from four years ago? Well it's all down to drunk men's nocturnal desire to look at boobs. A burger van has been 'seized' by police for giving away free porn when their customers spent more than five pounds...

I love the idea of men being 'enticed' with free porn, like they are under the spell of a pied piper in a dirty raincoat. In the event of a population explosion you could cull the male population by dumping copies of Razzle off a cliff and just sitting back to watch the shuffling hoardes of drooling grub-monkeys tumble off the edge fondling their crotches and murmering "mmm, jubblies" as they fall to their doom.

Please don't think that I don't approve of free smut. I actively applaud it in fact. If porn was given away as a free gift more often just imagine how empty the streets would be. On the rare occasion anyone did leave their houses violence would be as rare as rocking horse droppings since everyone would be so weak and sluggish, it would be all they could do to drag their massive right-arms behind them like they're on their way to their own crucifiction. Even if violence did erupt it would be over in seconds because if anyone landed a punch it would take your head off.

The reason this story really appealed to me was the undercover officers who made 'test purchases'. That's a bloody tough case for them isn't it. The horror of it, having to buy burgers and be given free porn. Oh dear. Imagine the counselling bill. How many volunteers do you think they had for that operation? I'm amazed there isn't a headline underneath the article detailing the officers killed in the stampede. One thing's for sure, the waiting list for evidence room duty is longer than the ever dwindling rolls of Andrex in their desk drawers.